Dear Facebook Users:

I've compiled a handy guide to help you with your Facebook experience, and to help you retain your friends you've spent a lifetime acquiring. Remember, it can take years to make a friend, and one click to lose one.

1. Look, I understand you want to grow your personal skincare, life-enhancing everything, essential oils, artisanal herbs, magic beans business, but if I haven't responded to you by now, I don't want any. I am happy with my non-essential, non-magical life just the way it is, thank you. But I'm happy it has changed your life. I really, really am. Just please don't private message me about it. I promise, I know you're selling it and I know you want me to sell it, too. We all know.

2a. Here's a helpful list of things that you will never change my mind about no matter how endlessly you post about them:

• Politics

• Guns

• Politics

• Religion

• Politics

• This new stupid Running Man Challenge. There will only ever be one Running Man, and it lived in the 90s and it's never welcome here again. Stop.

2b. Here's a helpful list of things that you might be able to change my mind about by posting about them:

• Food. Not just any food, okay? I mean nobody wants to see your Dixie plate of hot dogs and beans at your cookout last Sunday, but I mean good food. Like those little sped-up videos of something I'll never make but get hypnotized by watching? Or a recipe that looks good but I've never thought of, or a restaurant I should try? That kind of food. That is safe food.

3. Local Facebook groups might actually be the end of civilization as we know it. You had to wait four minutes for your Nachos Bellgrande? They put tomatoes on it when you specifically asked them not to? The teenage girl behind the counter was looking at her phone? Quick! Blast them on social media to vent your frustrations to all the land! Get people on your side! Start a revolt! Alert corporate! Protest!

Or maybe waxing nostalgic about the good ol' days when your town only had one stop sign and a Dairy Queen, life was so much better then, we won high school football championships because there were no liquor stores and truck stops and those Godforsaken affordable apartments is more your speed. Tell us. Tell us all. Be loud and proud. Make us hate stuff and change as much as you do! And let's not even get you started on selling wine at Kroger.

4. Speaking of opinions, I think some people are legitimately unaware that they can have one about something without actually telling everyone they know about it. Opinions are great; I love opinions, I have a lot of them, I write about them! But usually I ask myself, 'Is this opinion/post entertaining? Humorous? Interesting? Educational? A cartoon about a talking tortilla chip or a goat in pajamas?' If I answered no to all of those questions, then it doesn't get posted. You have to know your audience and try to appeal to the greater masses, people, otherwise your constant opinions get you blocked and the only person you're talking to is yourself. When in doubt: goats in pajamas. Always goats in pajamas.

5. To everyone I've offended: This is a humor column and sorry not sorry.

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