Sometimes I feel really sorry for people who don't lead as glamorous a life as myself. It's a gift I've been given and I try really hard not to take it for granted. I mean, just the other day as I was in the school pick-up line, eating my cheeseburger I grabbed on the way after running fifty errands in my pajama (some people call these yoga) pants, and an onion fell into my bra and I didn't even think twice about grabbing it and putting it back on my burger, I thought to myself, "Self, you are really living your best life. I hope everyone in this line saw you and was completely envious of how well you juggle motherhood and taking care of yourself."
I compiled a list of tips for anyone wishing to improve their own lifestyles because I like sharing my wisdom with others.
1. Be sure to drink lots of water. It's really great for your skin, attitude, energy levels, etc. When you feel like you don't get enough water in its purest form, remember you can also call coffee, Diet Coke, wine, vodka, and any other liquid you put into your body including gravy and syrup "water".
2. Eat three meals a day. This one isn't always easy for me, especially when half the time my husband travels for work, so I find that a couple bites of leftover whatever macaroni product I made for the kids standing over the sink with a glass of "water" is a quick way to get in that square meal. Don't forget, breakfast is the most important meal of the day! Another cup or four of "water" usually does the trick for me. (Never forget coffee cream is protein.)
3. Manage your time wisely. I find what works best for me is to somehow waste away 4/5th of the entire day (seriously, I don't know how this happens) and then running on energy from all that water, do a whole bunch of stuff halfway really quickly to make it appear as though you were productive the entire day. If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a nap. It makes all of the tasks simply disappear and then when the kids get home from school it's time to "teach them responsibility", by way of folding laundry and sweeping their breakfast remains off the floor.
4. Control your temper. Remember, your kids are people, too, and they deserve your respect. If you've respectfully asked them eleven times to put their junk in their room and they don't respond, don't get angry with them. Get even. You've never seen regret in a child's eyes as much as when you are putting everything they hold dearly into a black plastic trash bag. Then, in the weeks that follow, you can set up a fun little "store" game, in which you set up all their treasures and they have to buy them back with the funds they earn from hard labor. It's sort of like a prison commissary system without the shanks. I hope.
5. Finally, don't let your appearance go by the wayside. Just because you're a mom doesn't mean you can't look your best. Take me, for instance. My hair hasn't been its natural color since the early 90s at best. It's important for me to get to the salon, but only after I've waited so long that my stylist basically has to start over and my eyebrows look like something out of a Muppet movie. You're doing her a favor, really. Keeping her skills top-notch, you know. After the day at the salon it's important to remember to protect your new hairdo by keeping it in a big messy blob on top of your head until you go back to the salon in six months. You can't just expose your hair to the elements all the time. Be kind to it. The same goes for your clothes. Your nice clothes should always remain protected in the safety of your closet. Besides, you wouldn't believe all the stuff you can spill on black yogama pants before anyone notices. Not only are you saving your clothes, you're saving the environment. You really are a shining star.