What is it about having kids that makes you so tired? I don't even mean tired ... tired can happen to anyone at any time. I mean, so physically and mentally exhausted that your brain just stops working for periods of time. Like, you can just completely space out sitting in a room full of people, at least two other people having a conversation with you, maybe even doing a task of some sort, so it appears you are alive and have brain and mobility function, but in fact, you're in a completely vegetative state.

I think it's because kids, while they can be so charming and adorable, are actually little aliens sent here from other galaxies to suck out all of our brain function and send it off to be studied (and hopefully improved upon by filtering out political and religious zealots, anti-vaxers, Bama fans, and the Kardashian/West/Jenners) before injecting it into their own species who will then take over the world. Hey, it could happen. Sorry not sorry, Bama fans.

All I know is that before I had kids I was capable of complete thoughts, plans, goals, the ability to achieve said plans and goals, and I never once went anywhere with two different shoes on nor did I back out of the garage while the door was still down. Not to mention (but totally going to mention) now that I have a 12-year-old, I'm almost constantly reminded that I know nothing about anything. Did you know that even if you think you know something, like really, really, really know something, say, your own name or how to count to ten, for instance, a 12-year-old can be totally convinced that you are incorrect. That is not your name and that is now how you count to ten and you are an idiot for even thinking such a thing because someone on YouTube or a kid at the lunch table said otherwise while blowing green beans out of his nose.

"Let's see, my mom graduated high school and college, has lived in this world for almost forty years, has had real jobs and does pretty well at Jeopardy! Then there's this kid that's worn the same shirt for three days and is sticking vegetables in his face holes and then blowing them out on me and my friends ... hmm ... yeah ... I think I'll go with him, he seems to be the wisest of the two."

He can only think I am that dumb because he's certain my brain power has been harvested and is sitting in a glass jar somewhere between Uranus and Neptune. (Was that a tacky joke or did I give careful thought to how far away the aliens must be in order for this theory to be plausible? I'll never tell.)

Anyway, until I come up with another reason I'm so mentally and physically drained that by 6 p.m. I'm nearly drooling in a coma, this is going to be my running theory. Kids. Always blame the kids. And aliens.

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