Happy May, dear readers! Two things come to mind when I think "Good Lord, how is it already May?"

One: Summer is almost here. God help me.

Two: Mother's Day.

Let's talk about Mother's Day, for the simple reason that I am not yet ready to face the fact that my kids will soon be out of school ... here ... with me ...24/7. Stay tuned for that at a later date.

You may be asking yourself what you should get for the special mother in your life. Well, that really just depends on what stage of motherhood your special lady is in.

Here's a handy guide: Are her children grown?

Yes, her children are grown and gone: Get her something sweet, sentimental, a delightful reminder of what it means to her to be a mother. Flowers, maybe, if she's into that sort of thing. Take her out to dinner or brunch, perhaps! Maybe a movie, too. Make a whole day of spending lots of quality time with your mom reminding her you didn't forget about all those years you drove her insane and didn't want to talk to her and thought she was the most embarrassing person in the entire universe just because she did an interpretive dance to Baby Got Back at your high school graduation party.

No, her children are still young and in her face at all times: Basically she wants to spend an entire day pretending she's not a mother, or, at least the kids she has are perfect in every single way, never make noise, clean up after themselves, and love and respect her endlessly, right after she gets to sleep late because she definitely was not woken up by someone asking her at 5:17am if they could play on the tablet. Hire new children for this if possible.

Ensure she cleans nothing, cooks nothing, doesn't pick up anyone's nasty socks and for crying out loud make sure she doesn't have to wipe anyone's pee off the toilet seat today. As a matter of fact, why don't you just leave? Take the children away somewhere so she can lay on the couch watching HGTV and yelling at the carpet-hating, granite-loving morons on House Hunters without having to censor language.

When you get home, make sure the children stay in separate rooms. I guarantee you the one thing the mom in your life doesn't want to hear today? Her offspring trying to kill each other over a fidget spinner. She also most certainly doesn't want to hear them complain about the dinner she slaved over, so be sure to take care of that, too. Pay the children off if necessary. Nobody is above a little old-fashioned bribery.

Remember, it's just one day a year. Anyone can pretend to be an entirely different, perfect, non-existent unicorn of a family for one day a year. She deserves it. Happy Mother's Day.

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