Sometimes in life you just have to accept that things aren't always going to be like you want them, but also maybe you're just a big fat failure and need someone else to do hard things for you. I think with teaching my kids certain things, the latter applies and so I'm currently seeking a special school or a private tutor or maybe summer boot camp of sorts so that my children can learn the following things that I obviously, no matter how hard I try, cannot teach them myself.

1. Bodily noises, despite the massive amounts of fun it apparently is to produce them as loudly as possible, at house-shaking levels followed by extreme laughter, can actually be contained, discrete, and/or minimized. I know it's shocking and hard to believe.

2. For the love of God, can someone please explain to my kids that no matter how many times they ask me, I'm not going to change my answer to something they prefer.

"Mom, can I have this game, (this stupid, stupid game that will rot my brain and you have to spend money on and it will probably give every electronic device in our house a virus anyway)?"


"But Mom, please?"

"I said no."

"Mom. You don't understand. I have to have it. All my friends have it."

"No. It's not going to happen. Stop trying to make the game happen."

"So, are you saying I can't have the game?"

...this could go on for two hours, asked in twenty-five different ways in thirty-five languages including a hand-written note delivered via messenger owl.

3a. Showering. Oh, the showering. Children of the world, did you know that you can actually shower at your own free will? You don't have to be told seventeen times to go wash off your filth and stink? Getting in the shower for no other reason than because you don't want to be gross is a thing that you can do.

3b. Teeth, too!

4. I know it's disgusting and they're oh-so-concerned with not touching germs and being clean and tidy (see above), but I'd really like for my kids to learn that they can use a water glass more than once without it imploding in their hands and forever maiming their delicate skin with shards of cootie-ridden glass.

5. This is going to be the most difficult one of all, for whoever is brave enough to take on this task. But somehow, some way, in some miraculous fashion, I'm going to figure out a way for my kids to learn that they can, in fact, despite feeling like they are physically going to fall over and die, be hungry. My kids think the minute they feel a slight bit of "hunger" (as if they'd know the true meaning of the word), they need to be shoving something in their mouth within twelve seconds or the world will end. They don't seem to have any concept of "waiting for dinner", it's basically the equivalent of one-on-one time with Vlad the Impaler.

So, any takers? I'm currently taking applications and the pay isn't very much, but I can guarantee you won't be bored and I'll provide unlimited wine. You're going to need it.

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