I know I wrote about Mother's Day last week, but consider this your Mother's Day follow up column. I got two one of those glorious Mom Questionnaires. You know, the ones the kids fill out at school that say all sorts of hilarious and sometimes embarrassing things? Like "My mom likes to (fill in the blank)" and some kids will say "Read me stories and make me snacks that look like animals and take me to the park and teach me German!" and some kids will say "Watch Netflix and drink a bottle of wine." It's pretty hit or miss.
I took away a couple things from reading this. First, I'm not doing as terrible a job as I think I am. ("My mom always says she loves me.") Second, after considering this for a minute, the teachers filling these things out are probably lying their faces off in the name of parental solidarity and/or not wanting to get hate e-mails. Either way, I'll take it. But what I imagine is this:
Teacher: "How old is your mom?"
Kid: "SO OLD. 39."
Teacher: "Let's just say the 39 part."
Teacher: "How much do you think your mom weighs?"
Kid: "Probably like five thousand pounds or something."
Teacher: "How about we say 75?"
Kid: "Seventy-five-thousand? Ok."
Teacher. "No. Just 75."
Teacher: "What's her favorite food?"
Kid: "Donuts and Diet Coke. Maybe some tacos."
Teacher: "Hmm. Does she eat vegetables? We'll say that."
*Note: My child did actually say vegetables here. While I do like vegetables, I am pretty sure he said "vegetables" because of my overly-enthusiastic reaction to vegetables at every meal in the interest of trying to get him to eat them. Example: "Oh my gosh! This asparagus is delicious and these carrots taste like candy! Don't you want some?!"
Teacher: "What makes your mom laugh?"
Kid: "Cat videos and that time I said the D-word in its proper context."
Teacher: "Why don't we go with not that?"
My older son also did one of these, and since he's not little there was not a teacher buffer zone here to intercede, so it's likely that he was just trying to get me to buy him stuff.
Two things noteworthy on his: Apparently I am always happy and he loves it when I help him with his homework, and then I wonder if the child has actually ever met me or maybe I got someone else's paper.
He loves it when I help him with his homework? That is single-handedly the worst interaction the two of us have ever had. Hands down. And that includes several stomach viruses and the toddler years. What is his strategy here, I wonder? Is he playing mind tricks so that I'll be more enthusiastic about the homework helping? Is he joking and already mastered sarcasm? I can't even comment on the "always happy" thing because I'm still not done laughing.
And just for everyone's general knowledge, I also like to wake up early (ugh), I look the prettiest when I'm going to a birthday party (I'll give him that one), I'm the best chef in the world which is funny considering there are approximately three things I make he doesn't complain about. However, I always smell nice, which is good to know.
I hope all the Mothers out there had a wonderful day.