You know those women who absolutely love being a mother, with every fiber of their being, every minute of every day? More power to them, but I am definitely not one of them, and I think instead of being slightly ashamed of that, I should embrace it, or at least open up a dialog about it, because I know I am not alone, and us sub-par, selfish moms need to stick together!
We are so incredibly judgmental of each other, as women, and then on another level as mothers. It's immediately cause for abhorrence if a woman even hints that her children are not her reason for living.
First of all, I am not one of those people who thinks that my life didn't begin until I had children and can't imagine how anyone could not want children. Did my life change when I had children? 100%. Did my life before them mean nothing? No. And that part about some people not wanting children? I get it. Children are dirty, rude, exhausting, time-consuming, selfish little soul-sucking vampires.
They smell bad a lot. They do horribly disgusting things and then you have to clean up horribly disgusting things. They take away your sleep, your free time, your sanity, your money, your body if you're a woman, etc. They embarrass you with their lack of manners and social skills. They disrespect you and argue with you even when they know you're right. They leave their crap everywhere, they lose everything, and they steal your food and drinks whenever they can get their grubby little hands on it.
Why should someone feel ashamed or wrong for not wanting to invite that into their life? Would they love and adore their child if they suddenly had one anyway? Sure, of course they would ... probably. But that doesn't mean everyone should go out and have babies because of a feeling someone else says you need to have or your life will be meaningless.
It also doesn't mean that once I have kids I can't be anything other than their mom and all sense of who I am as a person ceases to exist immediately. In fact, the idea that I am nothing other than a wife and a mom is terribly depressing to me. To others that might be the greatest, most rewarding feeling in the whole wide world. To them, hooray! I'm happy for you, we all have different ways that our life becomes rewarding and everyone deserves a rewarding life.
All that said and high horse successfully mounted, both my kids are off to another year of school starting, and I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself during the day, and it's a strange, terrifying, exhilarating feeling that when this part of me can now come out of the shadows a little bit more. Just as soon as I figure out what's for dinner, fold some laundry, vacuum the floors, get some pants hemmed, complete 3 round-trips to two different schools, go to soccer practice, etc. Like I said, a "little bit" more time. Time I might very well spend sleeping for the next three months, but whatever. I don't judge you, you don't judge me.