This past weekend I was lucky enough to take a short getaway with a friend for my (cough cough) fortieth (cough cough) birthday. Of course, I spent the entire time feeling a little guilty (ok not really) for going somewhere without my family and it got me remembering one of the last fun-filled family vacations we went on. It was the time we took a cruise across the ocean to faraway lands and new experiences! The Ship of Dreams! No, that was The Titanic. Fortunately our voyage had a better ending. For the most part.

A few highlights:

The cabin was small. Really, really small. And we had to fit four people and four suitcases and four personalities in it. BUT ... Bonus! The bunks were ready-made jungle gyms and a nice guy named Arthur came to pick up after us twice a day, made towels into animals (they even had eyes. Eyes!) and, since I guess he knew I was a mom sharing a tiny, tiny room with my kids, left chocolate on the bed. Every single night. Arthur was sent from God.

My next story is far less pleasant. It was hot, y'all. Apparently the sun lives in The Bahamas. Who knew? I used more sunscreen in one week than I think I have in my entire life. Also, my child looks absolutely darling in a floppy sun hat. As if that weren't reward enough, not five minutes after remarking how adorable he looked in the floppy sun hat, we were swimming in the pool (the tiny, tiny pool for 2,000 people), when the unthinkable happened: he was going to lose his lunch. Right there in the pool.

I have never had so many instantaneous thoughts at once. I swear, this all happened inside my brain at the same time:

1. Oh my God, he's choking!

2. No, he's not choking, he just got a mouthful of saltwater. Phew.

3. Oh my God, he's going to throw up.

4. Oh my God, there are people everywhere! This pool is tiny and it's the ONLY pool for two THOUSAND people! If he throws up in this pool everyone will have to get out of the pool and will immediately be incinerated by the sun (that lives right there!) while they sit outside and wait for the pool to be cleaned because MY child barfed in it! I will get death threats. I will get thrown overboard. I will never escape the humiliation of being THAT mom with THAT kid!

5. Just get out of the pool. Get out now! Faster! Did you know a thirthysomething year-old mom with a gagging child could get of a pool this fast? I didn't. Wow, that's impressive.

6. The hat! Oh thank God for the (BONUS!) adorable floppy sun hat which is conveniently shaped like a bucket when turned upside down and can be puked in discreetly while ushering the child away from the crowd! Let it all out, kid! Be free!

7. What am I going to do with this hat full of puke?

8. This might have been the mothering moment I'm most proud of. In one fluid motion I displayed concern for my child and resourceful ingenuity to quickly solve a problem. I rule.

And that, my friends, is the story about Arthur the Angel of Chocolate and the Boy Who Barfed in the Sun Hat. The End.

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