Like you and your mom and your grandma and everyone in this area, I've got this eclipse on my mind. Not only am I excited about witnessing the once-in-a-lifetime experience in my own backyard, I'm kinda freaking out about the possibility of a bazillion people descending upon our sleepy little area north of Nashvegas.

I mean, don't these people know we aren't equipped for such insanity? Did Kevin Costner really think it through when he built that field and they all came? Come on, Kevin, where were all those people supposed to sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom? Did your magical baseball field also conjure up about a thousand port-o-potties?

We all saw how downtown was basically shut down when the Preds fans were celebrating in the street, and that was just (mostly) local people ... in Nashville ... the big ol' city. They have all those hotels, restaurants, bars, and shops to keep the masses entertained. We have Wal-Mart.

All it takes is one wreck on the interstate and White House turns into a gridlocked sea of cars moving approximately one inch per hour. Our Dunkin Donuts is always out of donuts on a regular day. Have you even seen the drive-through line at McDonald's around lunch time? We can't even handle the middle school traffic at dismissal time.

Seriously, sun and moon, what were you thinking when you chose this location to overlap at complete totality? Were you just really excited to see how six hundred thousand people and one red light would get along?

People are apparently coming from all over the globe to witness this phenomenon. They could be going to New York City, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles, or Disney World which already is holding roughly the same population of China in one single day ... the eclipse probably would have been a decrease in population. Alas, they're all coming to Sumner County, where we will welcome them with open arms and open Wal-Marts and gas shortages and grocery store shelves that make Snowmageddon look like a freshly restocked store. (Milk and bread, people! Milk and bread. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

My plan for this eclipse is basically my plan for a snowstorm/end of the world (same thing around here): stock up my fridge and pantry ahead of time with enough food and wine for a month, wear pajamas for three days, watch dumb TV, not leave the house for a disturbing amount of time, save the several minutes of the actual total eclipse.

Of course, now that we're all prepared and completely worried about it, I feel like this will possibly end in the same way as a dusting of snow after we've been told we're all going to die in a Blizzard of Epic Proportions Like We've Never Seen In Our Lifetime, you know, like every winter, when we're all wondering what we're going to do with a gross ton of french toast and chili supplies.

Oh well, if this eclipse turns out to be a population dud, at least we got a day off, a few gallons of chili, and some sweet paper sunglasses out of the deal.

Happy Eclipsing, y'all!

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